…rather than this:
I’m not yet sure how in the world this could be called an adaptation of the Battleship board game. Well, there is a battleship in the movie. I don’t exactly remember aliens there, although it would have been pretty fun if we could have lasers, rather than pegs. I know they’re planning more in the near future, so I have a few suggestions. Apparently there’s no need to stick to an actual premise, so I hope I get a cut.
- Cabbage Patch Kids. (Sequel: CPK-2: All Dolled Up. Remember those cute, lovable round-faced, doe-eyed baby dolls that you or your little sister played with? Well, now they’re beauty pageant contestants who are also ninja secret agents. I foresee dozens of sequels.
- Easy-Bake Oven. Teen movie re-imagining of William Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus.
- Lincoln Logs. A slasher film based on The Donner Party account. Maybe a remake of Cabin Fever.
- Lite-Brite. This is in 3D, obviously. Terrorists place bombs throughout some city, and a group of spunky teens have to race around to create beautiful luminous works of art in order to defuse the explosives. There is also disco dancing.
- Mr. Potato Head. A spin-off of Toy Story, where Mr. Potato Head is a Jason Bourne-like character taking on the seedy underbelly of organized toy crime. Let’s just say it gets dicey.
- Candy Land. A computer animated epic reminiscent of The Lord of the Rings. The lost king of Candy Land is the only one who can save the land of candy from the horrid clutches of Gloppy the Molasses Monster. Our hero, young Jolly the Rancher, must also save Princess Lolly from her evil stepmother, Queen Frostine (c’mon, we all knew she was evil). He travels with his faithful companions, Jolly and Plumpy, and he takes advice from Mamma Ginger Tree. This is clearly a trilogy: The Fellowship of the Cocoa Bean, The Two Reeses, The Return of the Kandy King.
- The Game of Life. An excruciatingly long mockudrama about a family and their struggles. They may win the lottery, adopt two kids, buy The Victorian house (on the police officer’s salary–because let’s face it, that’s the best one), and buy the best set of stocks, but the real drama begins when the elderly couple must choose between Countryside Acres and Millionaire Estates when they retire.
- Monopoly. Well, that’s already being made and Hasbro doesn’t even know it: Boardwalk Empire.
- Pictionary. The fate of the world hinges on the drawing talents of a group of friends. Unfortunately, they are all supremely untalented, and the clock is ticking.
- Risk. This is the sequel to the forthcoming Battleship. We may have defeated them in the ocean, but the aliens are back–with a vengeance! And they’re out to take over the entire world! Unfortunately, their supreme domination will take many, many hours, and they can only do it a little bit at a time. It will require a lot of caffeine. And Cheetos.
Remember Hasbro (and, I’m sure, Michael Bay), I want my cut when it comes time!